For my grandfather
Mourning the loss of you in silence,
especially in the mornings
as God’s hand reveals His plan and paints the sky
the glowing pink of a baby’s bottom.
Bottom of despair and desolation is forming.
Somewhere in my mind I am sighing
as my lips form the word, why?
Am I crying?
Crying out in the millisecond of the moment
I realize I was dreaming and you were in it.
I had almost forgotten you are no longer here
and the agony brings forth a tear.
Teardrops, one and then another, as I remember,
when I was born into this world you were there,
and once again I am made aware that
on this earth, you will never be there again.
Again and once more my words only a mumble,
the beats of my heart stumble – and fall
as my soul tells me, screams at me,
you’ve got to breathe,
breathe in life’s breath. Grieve,
for a part of your life’s death,
because a part of you has died
and gone away.
Away with sadness and mourning. Put them away.
Enough of this. Be happy. This is what you’d say.
I cannot quite shake the feelings, no, not yet.
I remain condemned to relive the loss of you.